Your mind plays tricks at you at times – especially at night. So my “fertility fears” is really just my mind running away with itself at 2 a.m. And for the record, I want to say that I don’t want this to sound like some big sob story – what I am writing about was a tough thing to experience, my own little crisis at the time, but people go through way worse and I know it.
So my past worries about needing to be insured when I’m pregnant again can quickly morph into an even scarier thought: What if I can’t even have another baby? I can pretty quickly brush this one off, knowing that we are so blessed to have Kate already, and that this is completely out of my control. Still though, I want Kate to have a sibling and I do have some logical reason to worry. We started trying way back in October, hoping and planning to have a second child before we moved to Costa Rica. (Kate was in the NICU/hospital for a week when she was born, so we thought it would be best to have a second baby in the U.S., just in case). It took us three months to get pregnant – not too bad. But then, as many of you know, I miscarried in mid-January at 7 weeks. It turned out that it wasn’t just a miscarriage though – it was an ectopic pregnancy. (A pregnancy not in the uterus.) So when most miscarriages take a couple weeks to resolve themselves, mine took two months. In those two months, I went to the ER 1 time, saw my doctor 8 times, had 1 painful shot of methotrexate (a chemotherapy drug, used also to resolve ectopics), had my blood drawn 9 times, had 4 ultrasounds, and shed lots of tears.
I moved through the emotional and physical pain and came out on the other side, stronger for it. God’s peace is profound, and truly, I felt His presence throughout it all. People often speak of how struggles bring you closer to God, and this experience was again a reminder of how true this is.
So even though in the middle of the night the “what if” questions can really get my mind going, ultimately I trust in God’s plan for our future family, whatever that may look like. That’s not to say that if for some reason I cannot get pregnant again it won’t be difficult, but I know I can rely on God’s comfort, love, and faithfulness, regardless of life’s circumstances.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 57:10
P.S. Thanks to all of you that were there for me during that time – prayers, phone calls, emails, a listening ear – your friendship is invaluable. In August, Joe and I will be meeting a Costa Rican ob-gyn and take a tour of the hospital in San Jose. You can continue to pray that God’s peace and wisdom would surround us through this process.